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Dear Honorable President Trump: We were so sorry to hear that your (outstanding, excellent, bitchin’ good idea) deal to buy Greenland fell through. The island would have made for some lovely golf courses. And we can imagine luxurious Trump Towers dotting the coast, offering vistas of both sea and greens. You’re such an amazing and successful businessman because you recognize a really smart investment when you see it.

reprinted with minor edits from Mandala, Vol. 11; St. Louis Park High School; May, 1979 I. “Thumbs, Thumbs, Thumbs?” That’s all I hear. The monotonous, repetitive wailing cry of an armada of rancid soldiers. Three men in Salvation Army uniforms hold me at gunpoint, commanding: “GIVE US THE SECRET TO THE AARDVARK DANCE.” “Will the boxstep do?” I quip. They, with quiet, ruthless efficiency promptly blow my head off. II

Originally published August 24, 2013. In my mind I have struck up friendships, or at least become temporary pals, with various sports celebrities, particularly those from my Minnesota childhood and young-adulthood. I imagine that I find common ground with amiable sluggers like Harmon Killebrew, Tony Oliva, and Kirby Puckett, as well as slick football dudes like Fran Tarkenton and Ahmad Rashad, and even the oh-so-cere

I have the lab results, Mrs. Nussbaum, and the news is mixed. As we thought, your levels of thyroid hormone are a little low. We could supplement, but I recommend we watch carefully for now. I am more concerned about your cholesterol. It really is too high. Aarrgh! Me beauty! I’ve seen me years in ships at sea and none be as fair as yer lovely self. Avast, Dolores, come sail with me and me hearties! I swear, if any m

The New York Yankees have won 74 of their first 99 games. By October, they could have the greatest record in the history of major league baseball. “Guess what,” said Timmy, “I got an A on my math test. That makes 12 A’s in a row!” “That’s wonderful, Timmy,” said Mrs. Anderson. “I’m so proud of you.” As the first of the two suns was setting over Mondas, the outlaw planet, Colonel Quay’s men happily pitched their tents

Today’s Tale: It’s a Very Thin Line CUSTOMER A: I just need this plywood cut down to 3’ x 6’. ME: Okay, done. CUSTOMER A: Thank you! ME: Thanks for coming in. Who’s next? CUSTOMER B: Can you cut these two sheets of plywood in half for me? ME: 4’ x 4’? CUSTOMER B: Yes, please. ME: No problem. There you go. CUSTOMER B: Thanks, that saves me a lot of time. ME: Glad to help. Thanks for coming in. Who’s next? CUSTOM