Dear Honorable President Trump:
We were so sorry to hear that your (outstanding, excellent, bitchin’ good idea) deal to buy Greenland fell through. The island would have made for some lovely golf courses. And we can imagine luxurious Trump Towers dotting the coast, offering vistas of both sea and greens.
You’re such an amazing and successful businessman because you recognize a really smart investment when you see it. So please consider our follow-up idea. Which is…
Why don’t you purchase Great Britain!?!?
As Brexit gets closer and closer, the pound is falling so drastically, they’ll practically be giving the country away. Just think, with the stroke of a signed check, all of those limeys, past and present, would become Americans. Isaac Newton, the guy who invented the cookie…an American! Winston Churchill…American! The Beatles and their hit records would become part of our GNP! Even the Queen herself would be American! Wouldn’t that be a hoot? You could boast to your friends and at the rallies: “They used to own us. Now we own them!” You’ll have an even stronger case for best President ever, avenging George Washington after all these years.
If you need another reason, with the addition of Great Britain, you’d be sure to get re-elected. The Brits voted for Brexit, they’ll for sure support you. But you better hurry up and buy them so they can vote in 2020. We don’t want Russia to beat you to the negotiating table, which would get those traitor/nasty Liberals all fired up.
Finally, I know you’ve complained about how dreary and drabby the White House is, certainly compared to your wonderful branded properties. If you buy Great Britain, maybe the Queen would let you move into Buckingham Palace with her? It might be a bit dowdy at first—and let’s give the Queen a break, she’s very old—but you could have it Mar-a-Lago-ed up in no time flat!
If this plan comes to pass, you will have two patriotic, native-born citizens to thank. There’s no need to pay us, although if you want to offer a free weekend at a resort, we wouldn’t turn you down.
***Jasper and Selma Dyers***
Spork Creek, Massachusetts, USA