If you want to justify not getting out of bed
this morning or yesterday and also give hope
to people who use pebbles and shells for money,
start a winery in your backyard. Call it The Fainting
Goat and make pinot noir that’s available
only for barter. First obstacle: your backyard
is a narrow strip of concrete and broken homebrew
growlers, overturned tomato crates, gnawed chicken
bones, crumpled To-Do lists, and self-improvement
plans. Second obstacle: Want to know why fainting goats
faint? Because they know the one truth all
other mammals have forgotten. It has something
to do with small globules of milk fat dissolved
in milk serum. Unfortunately, you don’t speak fainting
goat, though you can faint with the best of them.
Third obstacle: all the grapes you found at the store
were seedless. Your spouse said the problem
with your plans is they aren’t plans so much as
excuses not to make plans; also, goodbye. It’s down
to you, the squashed tomatoes, the goats—which
are on backorder—and the artisanal glass blower.
He’s due sometime between noon and next month.
You’ll just have to see who goes next.